Tuesday, January 8, 2019

The Monsters Inside Us

Shattered glass littered the floor and crunched under my footsteps. I felt tears escape from my eyes as I wandered about my home. Tattered curtains hung limply from the rods like battle flags left on the field. The couch was in shreds and I felt stuffing squeeze out of the large rips and pool onto the floor in lumpy puddles. I scooted them under the couch with my toe and sighed. I gulped hearing soft footsteps followed by a low growl. I shook my head and stood balling my fists. I did not want to see the kitchen which was no doubt an absolute wreck of shattered coffee mugs and plates among a wasteland of packaged and canned goods. I shuffled numbly through the hall and into the bathroom. I resisted yet another sigh as my eyes beheld the terror of my bathroom.
 The shower curtain lay strewn across the scarred tile in shreds. The mirror above the porcelain vanity was broken into many shards that barely clung to each other.  Soap, shampoo, and conditioner splattered across the walls in a dizzying array of patterns. I stumbled out feeling the numbness sink deeper into my soul. I slowly walked into my bedroom and sank to my knees amid the wreckage. Torn pillows laid across my bed like ransacked bodies. My covers and curtains were literal ribbons draped across the now grooved hardwood floors. I ran my hand over my dresser and clutched a cracked picture frame of me and my ex best friend. I tossed it onto the bed and inhaled deeply. Smoke filled my nostrils and I choked. I slowly picked my way through my room and saw smoke drift up from across the bed. I hopped across the bed and leaned over snatching the cigarette from its mouth. It snarled whirling around quickly. Its large green eyes shone in the eery light making me pause slightly. Then I stuck the cigarette into my mouth and inhaled deeply. It tried to swipe it back but I held up my hand.
"I deserve this more than you, Don't you think?"
It cocked its head and I heard its claw scraped across the side of the bed as it rose. I beheld its form with familiar disgust and almost spat out my cigarettte. Its black matted  fur glistened  with blood and it slightly retracted its claws. It sniffed the smoky air, its pink nose wiggling and  its whiskers shifting.
"What is it now?" I asked irritatedly.
"You know who it is." It snarled.
I walked out of the room cigarette in hand and made my way back into the livingroom. Seeing the wreckage again made my heart lurch. Tears welled in my eyes but I held them back. No use crying over the inevitable. I sat back down on my couch and rested my chin in my hands. I wanted to stop my hands from trembling, but I knew there was no point. He'd see right through me and know what had transpired. I hung my head letting shame fall over my shoulders like a familiar cloak. I took a puff of my cigarette and gritted my teeth. Three knocks sounded on the door and I tossed the cigarette into a cup that had somehow survived the carnage. 
"It's not locked." I whispered.
The door opened and a man entered. He wore a simple button up shirt with red and white plaid and a pair of tan pants. His brown eyes snapped around the room and his thick brows furrowed. He had dark brown hair and a close cut beard. He looked at me sadly and I saw a tear fall. He nodded once and walked into the kitchen grabbing the broom. He swept up the broken glass and ceramic and all the trash. He picked up the curtains and laid them aside. Then he picked the piles of stuffing and put them in his pocket. I watched him uncertain if I should help or not. I usually just made it a bigger mess. He made his way through every room and did the same routine. I followed him into the bedroom knowing there'd be no way to hide it from him. He entered and I saw him frown at the smell of smoke. A clawed hand lifted a smoking cigarette slightly above the bed.
"Care to join us Father?" It asked acidicly.
The man worked his jaw and slowly strode over to where it sat crosslegged and smiling letting its fangs glint in the  light seeping through the shattered windows.
"I'm not going to ask why. I'm not going to ask what caused it. I do want to know when it will stop." The man said strongly.
It took a puff  and tapped its chin.
"Hmmm...Hard question Father. I'll get back to you on that, or better yet ask him. He's the one in control right?"
I ran my hands through my hair and sighed. My breathing shuddered and I felt sobs boil on my chest I held my breath.
It smirked shaking its head disparingly.
"I'm sorry." I whimpered. "It's so hard, but I know I should be better than that. I tried but he got too strong so fast. I couldn't stop him."
"I know It's hard for you. I know you've wanted me to banish him from your home but I will not. You'll be much stronger if I don't."
I tried to still my shaking hands.
"But It's been years!" I cried letting the tears stream down my face. "Every time I think I can control it, that I've won; something comes along and wears out his bonds. I don't know what else to do.  It's so fast and strong. It can smother me in a second or strangle me over a period of months. There's no use because no matter how hard I try, he always beats me."
The man nodded slowly and squeezed my hand in his. I saw the sorrow and love mingling in the depths of his eyes and I knew he was right. I was done. I didn't even have to call him up this time like I did the times before. He knew I was ready to quit.
"All this time you've tried carrying your burden up a high craggy mountain by yourself. I can help you. I don't just have to clean up the mess. I can prevent it from getting that far. You know this but always resist it."
"It's not fair. Why should you worry about my problems? You shouldn't have to help me. Plenty of others have done it by themselves."
"That may be true, but you have a different monster. Theirs are as equally destructive but yours has lived here for a long time unnoticed by you or anyone else. I knew and I gave you a will strong to defeat it, but it strangled your will because you are also soft hearted. And this made it harder to control."
I nodded.
"If you would like, I'll stay here and help you when it gets too strong."
I nodded again. It growled softly.
"Name your monster and declare its power void. That's the first step like I've told you before."
"Every time I do that it gets deeper. I'm giving it validity."
"It is valid. But it is now in the light and can be defeated because you admit its existence. Not doing so allows it to hide in the shadows." 
I sighed trying to stop the terror in my veins.
"Depression you are void." I stated simply.
The man nodded and motioned for me to do it louder. It stood up and extended its claws. I could hear the yowl in the back of its throat and tensed.
"Depression you are void. Anxiety you are void. Hopelessness you are void. Fear you are void." I called walking into the kitchen.
I heard it hissing. The man held up a hand. Other shapes slithered from the cabinets and slid out the broken windows. They didn't need as much commanding as the primary monster. I went into the bedroom and yelled, "Loneliness you are void!"
A shadow seeped from the closet and wailed as it slid out the window. I turned around and realized I could take a deep breath. My shoulders didn't ache as much.
"Ahem, did you miss me?" It asked.
I felt anger rush through me and I screamed. I smacked it in the face and punched it in the sides. It was his fault. He was why I was lonely. Why I was hopeless and anxious. He'd been in my house since I'd owned it but no more!
The man gripped my shoulders and whispered in my ear, "Anger does give you strength but it leaves you weak."
"I'm sorry."
"I forgive you."
The monster balled its fists letting its claws dig into its paws. It glared at me menacingly. It dared me to call it out again. The man nodded clenching his jaw. He squeezed my shoulder reassuringly. I took a deep breath walking shakily towards the door. With a trembling hand, I opened it and let it swing wide. I could see the sunlight glinting off the oak tree outside. It growled low. I suppressed a shudder.
"When I am gone, you will be nothing but a hollow shell."
"That's how I feel regardless." I replied hoarsely.
I sucked a quick breath and released it slowly through my nose. I wondered how I could live without this monster since we'd been together for so long, but I knew it had to be infinitely better. If not, this was pointless. The man looked me in the eye as I breathed. I knew I was on the edge of a cliff and peering over it into the misty oblivion below.
"Depression you are void."
It yowled lunging at me with its ferocious claws. The man grabbed it by the neck and shoved it aside.
"You heard me." I replied evenly jutting my jaw for emphasis.
 It hissed once long and loud. Then it spat at the man's feet. It walked outside the door eyeing me up and down.
"I'll be back." It snarled lifting its lip to reveal its glistening fangs.
"We'll be ready." I answered grabbing the man's hand for support.
 He smiled at me, approval shining in his deep brown eyes. It stalked off into the woods roaring a challenge. I turned to the man and held him tightly. My tears soaked his shirt while he rubbed my back.
"Thank you. Thank you. Thank you." I whispered over and over quaking in relief.
He pulled me back and looked me square in the eye.
"Do you want me to teach you how to keep it away now?"
I nodded. Warmth settled inside me like  the sun encroaching on a beach the morning after a storm. Hope glimmered in my soul again.
"Where do I start?" I asked feeling a smile tug at my lips.
"First, we need to clean the house." he replied chuckling as he handed me a broom.
I'd never felt more ready.

Wednesday, December 19, 2018

The Monotony of Days

 We tell ourselves that it will change

The clock will tick another way

Will change its ever sounding chime

But we know it never does

It always stays the same.

Fools march through the darkness

Will nothing but a meager flame

To ward off the encroaching wave

We know it is a feeble game

Yet still we play.

Chains clank against our thighs

As we walk through the murky mire

We say we’re free

Why do we lie?

Nothing will ever change.

Our sighs and groans lift to heavens

A cry above raises our eyes

We see an owl fly overhead

We bow in misery.

We stifle our cries and bite our tongues

Who can say whether we've really won?

The owl is free in the stars above.

We know we cannot be.

But a howl in the darkness reminds us

Awakens the inner tragedy

At the sliver of the moon

It wails raises its bushy tail

Its soul cries out in doom and fail

Wrapped in lonely.

Silently we trudge on

To the ever closing dawn

The one that will be our victory song

When will it be?

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

The Long Awaited Darkness

                                   It creeps around the edges of our consciousness
                                   It vies for our attention and jostles our mind
                                   They have waited for centuries for it to rise
                                   And slowly it surrounds us.
                                   It suffocates our peace and stirs up strife
                                   It crushes our joy and raises despair
                                   They want to hide in its safety
                                   Let its welcoming arms envelope them
                                   So they can do their ill deeds in relativity.
                                  Who can say what is what in the darkness?
                                  Who can say I am right and you are wrong?
                                  Who can discern shadow from shadow?
                                  Only light will show  what is true and what is not.
                                  Tiny white flames dot the ebony landscape with their burning
                                   Shining on them and their deeds
                                   They surround the flames and smother some
                                    But they can  never snuff them all.
                                   Though the  flames grow smaller in number they never dim
                                   They think they won but they can't see
                                   The rising white tide under the surface so
                                   They collect their ill fated works
                                   And smile in the long awaited darkness.

Friday, January 26, 2018


                           We splash in a placid pool blue and shining, our brothers and sisters with us
                            The Human Race in one ocean playing, others struggling to float
                             We splash and play for countless moments...
                            A darkness ebbs from the center and a hole opens up. 
                            The center throbs and begins to funnel pulling in some of our brothers. 
                             Crying out, we try to save them but it is useless
                             They are sucked in never to be found.
                             It spirals downward and pulls us in like a current
                             Dragging us  clawing and screaming
                            We pull and try to fight it but there's nothing we can do. 
                            We hope to reach the bottom tilting and sloshing but there is only emptiness
                            The roar and strain is almost to much to bear, but what else can we do?
                            We pull on our brothers and sisters trying to get away but we are all caught in this
                            Downward spiral
                            It is always hungry and gets hungrier still till there is nothing left but It.
                            Still plummeting down and around, we cry for someone to help us.
                            The only help for this tragedy will come at the end.
                             When a trumpets sounds declaring the  beginning of the end
                             The end of the war that's been waging since the dawn of time.
                              Then we who have survived will surface  and float in a serene sea 
                              And then nothing will ever drag us down.

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Nataraja Reprise


                                              Dance over these ashes in my soul
                                             The hopes and dreams that have died
                                             My passion and desires that swirl like flames
                                            Till they pass away like smoke
                                            Make new dreams grow in your footprints
                                           Let rain fall from your upraised arms
                                          Spark passion in my soul to the tune of your heartbeat
                                          Till it consumes me and drives the darkness away.

Weeping Angels

                                   Regret washes over me
                                   I can never get free
                                   Things said
                                   Things unsaid
                                   Chase me
                                   Haunt me
                                   Everywhere I turn I see them
                                   Hiding their faces
                                  Or screaming in fury
                                  I am stuck in the past
                                 There’s no escape
                                 From my predatory thoughts
                                They taunt me
                                Surround me
                               No way out
                              For a second they freeze
                             But when I turn they are closer
                            Stalking me waiting for me to slip
                           To blink again.

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Time Lords (Royals Parody)

                                           I'd never been out of the flesh
                                           I cut my teeth on sonic frequencies
                                           And I'm not proud I must confess
                                           Of my regenerating abilities.
                                           But everybody's like gold fleet, cybermen mutations
                                           Daleks yell exterminate! Run from the shadows
                                           We don't care we have a guy with fluffy hair.
                                           But everybody's like Silence, weeping angels freaky
                                           Quantum locks, don't blink, Run away basically
                                           Sonic screwdriver's getting tweaky
                                           But we don't care. He'll solve it when we get there.
                                           He's our Time Lord (Time Lord)
                                           Run when he gets scared
                                           That kinda flux just ain't for us
                                           We crave a different kind of fuss
                                            Let us fix your time warp (time warp)
                                            And save the galaxies.
                                            And baby, we'll pull, we'll pull
                                            The fabric back on sanity.